No one knowingly gets into an abusive relationship. But it happens; and it happens to women at all income and educational levels.
?You?d have to be crazy to hook up with an abuser, right?? said Liz Brody, author of a great article on relationship violence for Glamour magazine. ?That?s what I thought, but after working on our relationship violence story for six months, I was shocked by how smart and cool the women who get fooled are.?
The Harvard Medical School said that often an abuser may be charming and well liked by most of the people who know him, but, alone with you, show a different side.
Changes in the relationship can be difficult to see at first according to the Harvard article. At the center of the relationship is control; the abusive partner uses various tactics to achieve control. He may intimidate and demean you with criticism, tell you what you can wear, where you can go, and whom you can see and, if married, control all the household income. He may play ?mind games,? such as suggesting that you?re hypersensitive, hysterical, or mentally unbalanced. He may isolate you from your family, friends, and colleagues. Abuse may also take the form of pathological jealousy, such as false accusations. Soon, you may find yourself cut off from all outside connections, no longer in touch with the people and services that could help you.
This isolation may disconnect you from a sense of what?s normal. You may not even think of yourself as a victim of domestic violence. After an incident, the abuser often apologizes. There may be periods of relative calm.
KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE
There are tell tale signs, often early in the relationship. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, survivors of domestic violence frequently report that their instincts told them there was something wrong early on but they disregarded the warning signs and didn?t know that these signs were indicative of an abusive relationship.
Below are some of the early warning signs told by women who have been abused:
- Wants to move too quickly into the relationship
- Does not honor your boundaries
- Is excessively jealous and accuses you of having affairs
- Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails and texts you throughout the day
- Criticizes you or puts you down; most commonly tells you that you are ?crazy,? ?stupid? and/or ?fat,? or that no one would ever want or love you
- Says one thing and does another
- Takes no responsibility for his behavior and blames others
- Has a history of battering
- Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on their partner; for example, ?My ex was a total bitch?
- Grew up in an abusive or violent home
- Insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family
- Seems ?too good to be true?
- Insists that you stop participating in leisure interests
- Rages out of control and is impulsive
These abuse victims advise you to pay attention to the red flags and trust your instincts.? Always take time to get to know a potential partner and watch for patterns of behavior in a variety of settings.? Keeping in touch with your support system and participating in good self-care can lower your risk of being involved in an abusive relationship.
The National Network to End Domestic Violence offers very helpful ideas about what to do if you think you?re in an abusive relationship.
IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE YOU KNOW MAY BE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
According to the Harvard article, walking away from an abusive relationship is a process more than a single action. Women usually make several attempts ? five, on average ? before they leave the partner for good. Isolation and fear may prevent a woman from leaving, even when she knows it is probably for the best. Community support can be crucial, although a woman in an abusive relationship often has difficulty taking advantage of that support. The abuser may track her computer use, looking for visits to Web sites and evidence of keyword searches.
If there are children, many women stay in an abusive relationship because they think it?s best not to disrupt the children?s lives so long as they?re not being abused themselves. But children who live with domestic violence are at serious risk for behavioral and cognitive problems. In later life, they may suffer depression and trauma symptoms, and they may tolerate or use violence in their own relationships.
If you think your friend is in an abusive relationship, but you?re not sure, go with your instincts ? you probably wouldn?t be concerned without reason. Here are some signs from health education resources at Georgetown University that might indicate your friend is in an abusive relationship:
- When your friend and her/his partner are together, the partner acts very controlling and puts your friend down in front of other people
- You see the partner violently lose his/her temper, striking or breaking objects
- The partner acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to your friend
- Your friend becomes quiet when the partner is around and seems afraid of making the partner angry
- Your friend stops seeing friends and family members, and becomes more and more isolated
- Your friend often has unexplained injuries, or the explanations that are offered don?t quite add up. (Sometimes you won?t see any bruises, as abusive partners usually target their blows to areas that can be covered with clothing)
- Your friend has casually mentioned the partner?s violent behavior but dismisses it as ?not a big deal?
- Your friend often cancels plans at the last minute
- Your friend?s partner controls your friend?s finances, your friend?s behavior, and even the people with whom your friend socializes
- Your friend?s child is frequently upset or very quiet and withdrawn and won?t say why
HOW YOU CAN HELP A FRIEND IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
If you suspect that your friend is in an abusive relationship and you want to help, here are some things to consider according to the Harvard article:
- Think about your relationship with your friend. When and where might you talk with her safely, and what could you say
- Ask questions that let her know of your suspicions and concern
- When she talks about the situation, believe what she says and validate her concerns
- Help your friend make use of local resources (see how to prepare for leaving an abusive relationship)
- Work with your friend to develop a personal safety plan (see above link)
- Help her prepare to leave if the danger and abuse escalate
Poem written by a domestic abuse survivor from the Dr. Dale Archer website:
Waiting For the Shoe to Fall
?The house was finally quiet
The children were asleep
She could go about her business
Hoping that all hell would not break loose.
?She had only about seven hours
To do what had to be done
Or then it would be
Bedlam & pain everywhere.
She is used to the yelling
The screaming & the fighting
She is so used to the hell
That she calls home.
?Fast forward to now
Her son is asleep
She can hear the gas
As it heats up the place she calls home.
?She can hear the dogs
Barking in the distance &
She can hear her fingers
As they type the next letter.
?She no longer hears anger
She no longer feels shame
The hell she knew as home
Is but a distant memory.
?Survivors of violent crimes
Particularly related to d.v.
Are so used to fear, anger & pain
That when it stops.
?They just keep waiting
For that distant shoe to fall
They just aren?t used to
No pain at all.
?Not having any memory
Of loving days gone by
Not having any idea
Of what it?s like to be loved & held close.
?Constantly looking behind
Forward & around
Listening for that
All too familiar sound.
??Where were you today?? he yells
?god knows you weren?t here?
His fist shoots out
She lands smack on the ground.
?I am not used to love
I am not used to gifts
Unless it?s to cover up a crime
I?m more used to waiting for that distant shoe to fall.
?So i ask you to help me Vincent
And teach me how it feels
To have this thing called love
Around me all the time.
?Please show me how to receive
Your gifts of adoration
Your genuine words
& your affirmations.
?Please don?t ever feel
That i don?t love you
It?s just that i?m so used to
Waiting for that distant shoe to fall.
?I never thought i would ?know love
I never thought i?d find someone
I?m more used to pain & fear
& i don?t want to fail.
?I have so much love to give you
I will love you every day
I will always be true
& love you in every way.
?
(Other sources:? huffingtonpost.com)
?
Posted on 31. Aug, 2011 by Pat in Living
Source: http://blog.amigram.com/just-special/warning-signs-he-may-be-abusive/
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